Hybrid Christianity

I've recently come to realize that I don't see the same God my husband (and maybe many of you) sees. I don't know the same Christ he knows. I don't serve the same God he does. This angers me. I want to know the Christ he knows.....He seems so cool! The Jesus I see is a Son who died for sins b/c He was obeying His father. Out of reverence? Out of loyalty? Out of fear? I don't know. I've been told He loves me unconditionally but I've been shown that I have to work back into His good graces. That whole..."if you're lukewarm He'll spew you out" thing is hard for me to hear. It's hard for me to reconcile that unconditional-love is patient, love is kind-type of love with that. Unfortunately, I was shown that if you don't feel close to Him or if you've sinned you're gonna have to do things to please Him again. So, I see Christ dying for me but when I sin or whatever I see Him being very disappointed in me, maybe even angry that I'm not appreciative of His sacrifice. And I sin a lot! So, I see Him being like that most of the time. I've been taught that a "good Christian" is someone who prays a lot, reads the Word every day, serves the Church, raises a godly family, leads a bunch of people to heaven, gives to the poor & needy, doesn't drink, doesn't cuss, doesn't laugh at dirty jokes, doesn't have sex before marriage, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't doubt or question what their Church or the Bible says, is a conservative, properly dressed, meek, submissive  and passive person. I can tell you honestly that I do/am ONE of those things (I'll let you pick! lol). So, I now live my life feeling and thinking that I will NEVER live up to that "good Christian" status. How can I? That person is NOT me and honestly, I don't know if I want it to be....Some of those things are great and I agree with but I don't necessarily want to be the Christian my upbringing has shown me. Is there another kind of Christian out there?  I want to be a Hybrid Christian!!   Is this possible or will I be that "lukewarm" stuff He vomits out? And what would that look like? How would I know what a true "good Christian" is and not just what people tell me I should be?  I really don't know....

Not-so-firm foudation...

So, it's been 2+ years. Two and a half of the roughest years in my life. Lots of questioning and wondering. This move back home was definitely not the pretty picture I had thought it was going to be. I mean, I knew it'd be difficult and a lil messy and I knew we'd be living with family for a little bit while we got jobs and got settled. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect it to take 20 months for us to get our own place. Wow! Talk about a bad, reoccurring nightmare. But the thing that has come to upset me more is the internal struggle that has begun. I've always had a very strong Christian background and upbringing. It was always a firm foundation I thought my life was built upon. But in the last few years I've seen it begin to crack. I've seen it crack and chip away and now I'm beginning to see it crumble and fall apart. I don't know what's going to happen. This has always been my life. Has always been what I formed my thoughts and opinions on. What I lived by...day after day... now what? Who is this person if she doesn't believe all the things she was raised to believe? I just don't know what is Truth and what is just something someone else believed so I thought I'd believe it to. *sigh* Growing up sucks!

I need an estrogen injection! STAT!

OH MY GOSH, the testosterone in this house!! It drives me crazy sometimes. No, it drives me crazy most days! Boys just can't do things quietly, calmly or in a well-mannered way. They have to rip and roar, slam and snort, barrel and bowl their way through life. My two boys can't do anything without making a mess. They can't play anything without it ending up in a blood curdling, screaming, fist-flying, death-match. And they can't go anywhere unless they're dressed up in costume! lol Sad thing is they're only 6 and 3! I know it will get even more intense as the years go by. I used to think we'd be sitting at the table playing lego's and blocks and occasionally throwing a football. I was wrong! My days consist of refereeing fights, cleaning up god-awful smells, and listening to the non-stop action movie that is going on upstairs...all with 911 on speed dial! Where are my girls!!!?? I grew up in a family with all girls! Poor dad, I have a greater appreciation for him now! lol I mean, I'm not even what you'd call a "girlie" girl. I've always had boys for friends, but still... I need some good quality NON-testosterone time in my life. As I'm writing this I can feel my blood pressure rise as the decibel level rises here in the house. You see they've taken the pillows off the couches and are trying to jump off the couches and body-slam into each other (Oh, and Caleb is Optimus Prime and Levi is a Boxer).... then I stop and take a good, long look at them. They're boy... stinky, messy, loud, will crazy boys... but they're MY boys! And along with all of that crazy, wildness comes a passion and exuberance that is amazing!! If I can just last long enough to harness that and channel it into the right direction, this will be awesome! Gotta go.... someone's bleeding!