Grocery Store Blues

I used to love going to the grocery store.  Really, I did! I was one of the few.  Just to be out and about, walk around, take my time, find the deals, shop the clearance.... Used to be such a nice time. Then  I had another kid... wow! What a HUGE difference that makes!  Now, what used to be a fun, relaxing trip is just a horrible, crazy, high-stress event. I mean, what used to take an hour and a half now takes close to three hours!  I am constantly saying....get off the cart!, quit touching that!, no we're not buying that, boys get back here!, watch where you're going honey!, stay to one side...and on and on it goes! the whining and arguing and fighting and wild-boy behavior is just too much for me to handle in a grocery store. And I know I care to much about what other shoppers are thinking of me. Today, I had both of the boys putting their hands on top of their heads (a common punishment if they're using their hands in the wrong way...in other words a LOT!) and we passed a woman. She looked puzzled. Well, the time passed for them t o put their hands back down. But of course, a little while later they had to have this punishment again so of course who do we come across again but that same woman. She gave me a dirty look just after I said, "No! You cannot take your hands off!" I imagine how it looked to the woman. That they'd had their hands up there for 20 mins but that was not the case. lol  We really have to budget so typically we're going to two stores to find the best deals and sometimes three so I know that gets old for the kids, to walk around and get in and out of the car. But I really try to bring along toys and have them fed and watered (lol) before we even go in. Still, they are all over each other and the store! ugh.... Today, it started the first isle of the first store. Jeez Louise!  It was like I could feel my blood pressure rising right there in Aldi! By the time we're done I'm so ticked off at their disobedience and disrespect that I just want to unload the groceries and put them in quiet time (the boys not the groceries)... which is what I do. But I just wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish I enjoyed grocery day like I used to..... 

Hybrid Christianity

I've recently come to realize that I don't see the same God my husband (and maybe many of you) sees. I don't know the same Christ he knows. I don't serve the same God he does. This angers me. I want to know the Christ he knows.....He seems so cool! The Jesus I see is a Son who died for sins b/c He was obeying His father. Out of reverence? Out of loyalty? Out of fear? I don't know. I've been told He loves me unconditionally but I've been shown that I have to work back into His good graces. That whole..."if you're lukewarm He'll spew you out" thing is hard for me to hear. It's hard for me to reconcile that unconditional-love is patient, love is kind-type of love with that. Unfortunately, I was shown that if you don't feel close to Him or if you've sinned you're gonna have to do things to please Him again. So, I see Christ dying for me but when I sin or whatever I see Him being very disappointed in me, maybe even angry that I'm not appreciative of His sacrifice. And I sin a lot! So, I see Him being like that most of the time. I've been taught that a "good Christian" is someone who prays a lot, reads the Word every day, serves the Church, raises a godly family, leads a bunch of people to heaven, gives to the poor & needy, doesn't drink, doesn't cuss, doesn't laugh at dirty jokes, doesn't have sex before marriage, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't doubt or question what their Church or the Bible says, is a conservative, properly dressed, meek, submissive  and passive person. I can tell you honestly that I do/am ONE of those things (I'll let you pick! lol). So, I now live my life feeling and thinking that I will NEVER live up to that "good Christian" status. How can I? That person is NOT me and honestly, I don't know if I want it to be....Some of those things are great and I agree with but I don't necessarily want to be the Christian my upbringing has shown me. Is there another kind of Christian out there?  I want to be a Hybrid Christian!!   Is this possible or will I be that "lukewarm" stuff He vomits out? And what would that look like? How would I know what a true "good Christian" is and not just what people tell me I should be?  I really don't know....

Not-so-firm foudation...

So, it's been 2+ years. Two and a half of the roughest years in my life. Lots of questioning and wondering. This move back home was definitely not the pretty picture I had thought it was going to be. I mean, I knew it'd be difficult and a lil messy and I knew we'd be living with family for a little bit while we got jobs and got settled. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect it to take 20 months for us to get our own place. Wow! Talk about a bad, reoccurring nightmare. But the thing that has come to upset me more is the internal struggle that has begun. I've always had a very strong Christian background and upbringing. It was always a firm foundation I thought my life was built upon. But in the last few years I've seen it begin to crack. I've seen it crack and chip away and now I'm beginning to see it crumble and fall apart. I don't know what's going to happen. This has always been my life. Has always been what I formed my thoughts and opinions on. What I lived by...day after day... now what? Who is this person if she doesn't believe all the things she was raised to believe? I just don't know what is Truth and what is just something someone else believed so I thought I'd believe it to. *sigh* Growing up sucks!

I need an estrogen injection! STAT!

OH MY GOSH, the testosterone in this house!! It drives me crazy sometimes. No, it drives me crazy most days! Boys just can't do things quietly, calmly or in a well-mannered way. They have to rip and roar, slam and snort, barrel and bowl their way through life. My two boys can't do anything without making a mess. They can't play anything without it ending up in a blood curdling, screaming, fist-flying, death-match. And they can't go anywhere unless they're dressed up in costume! lol Sad thing is they're only 6 and 3! I know it will get even more intense as the years go by. I used to think we'd be sitting at the table playing lego's and blocks and occasionally throwing a football. I was wrong! My days consist of refereeing fights, cleaning up god-awful smells, and listening to the non-stop action movie that is going on upstairs...all with 911 on speed dial! Where are my girls!!!?? I grew up in a family with all girls! Poor dad, I have a greater appreciation for him now! lol I mean, I'm not even what you'd call a "girlie" girl. I've always had boys for friends, but still... I need some good quality NON-testosterone time in my life. As I'm writing this I can feel my blood pressure rise as the decibel level rises here in the house. You see they've taken the pillows off the couches and are trying to jump off the couches and body-slam into each other (Oh, and Caleb is Optimus Prime and Levi is a Boxer).... then I stop and take a good, long look at them. They're boy... stinky, messy, loud, will crazy boys... but they're MY boys! And along with all of that crazy, wildness comes a passion and exuberance that is amazing!! If I can just last long enough to harness that and channel it into the right direction, this will be awesome! Gotta go.... someone's bleeding!

So, I just needed to vent to someone out there. My 3 yr old is KICKING MY BUTT!!!! WOW.... it just seems like NOTHING I do or say it working. I really try not make every little thing a battle but lately it seems like HE is making every little thing a battle. It's either let him get away w/ telling me no or not doing what I've asked or fight it out. Everything from cleaning up toys, doing his chores, going potty, getting dressed, going to bed, playing nicely w/ his baby brother, etc... It just does not matter what I ask him to do, he wants to do his own thing. I try logic, I try to be gentle and calm and ask nicely, I try yelling (not that I SHOULD mind you), I try bribing, I try threatening, I try positive reinforcement, I try tricking him into it...it just does NOT work! What's going on!??!?!!! I'm really hoping that this is just a phase of his. That when he turns 4 it'll be better?? But what if it's a character trait that he's forming? I feel very inadequate and unequipped to handle this. Of course I'm praying but to be honest, most days it doesn't seem to help either! lol... I feel at a loss. He's SO darn cute and funny! Which is good b/c I need it to carry me through those rough times! Anyway, just needed to let somebody out there-who knows what I'm going through-know that I'm feeling very lost and in over my head!

I'd like a moment please...

So, do any of you have this problem? For whatever reason I just can't seem to go to the bathroom alone. I either have my 3 yr old walking in on my telling me I need privacy so people won't see my penis (yeah, not quite at the point where I tell him "boys have a penis and girls have a vagina") or I have my 1 yr old toddling in to find me and either want to sit on my lap or want to look through my legs to the water (and what-not) in the toilet! I mean, come on... since when did the bathroom become such a cool place to hang out!? BUT WAIT, I remembered how it was when I was growing up. Mom would inevitably need something while she was on the "pot" and we'd have to come in and talk to her or listen to a story of hers or whatever. I mean, I can REALLY recall the picture memory of my mom sitting on the toilet and me and my sisters sitting on the tub-which hurts your butt big time-gagging from the smell but for some reason or another being STUCK there. After contemplating this for a while I come to this conclusion. I think that when we were babies we also toddled into the bathroom to be close to mom. I'm sure she hated it every bit as much as I do but got tired of listening to the pounding on the door as well and gave in to our desires to follow her there. She must have just gotten so used to us being in there with her that she got to the point where she just could not "go" without us being there! So, my goal is to make sure that I do NOT get used to having my kids in the bathroom b/c I definitely do NOT want my grown kids one day to have a mental picture of me sitting on the "pot" trying to "go." From now on I think I'm going to say, "I'd like a moment please..." and lock the door so I can take care of business ALONE!

Sick and Tired

So, today is a day I wish I wasn't a mom. Ever have those days? I'm tired of cleaning up the high chair after meals. I'm tired of kids screaming while I diaper them. I'm sick of fighting a child to go pee on the toilet! I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night for whatever reason. I'm tired of having a little one crawl all over me. Knees in my gut, elbow in my breast, fist all over my face... I'm not a jungle gym! I'm tired of giving all the time. I'm literally being drained of all life! Then I have a 3 yr old who is constantly testing me. He seems to be impervious to anything I do to try and correct his behavior. I feel like I'm in a constant state of "grrr!" with him right now. I'm finding myself cursing a lot under my breath, hoping and praying that it doesn't come out one day! In short I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.